World Cup willies – who’s got the biggest?

Posted: July 9, 2014

With apologies to our Brazilian readers, who probably won’t want to hear any more ‘quirky’ World Cup-related stories for some time, penis enlargement specialists MaleEdge have decided to replay the entire tournament with length of penis being the differentiator between the teams rather than ball skills. For clarification, MaleEdge used national averages to decide each match’s winners – it did not actually measure the size of the footballers’ todgers. In this version of the World Cup, Germany was eliminated at the first knockout stage, by Belgium, while Brazil lost in the quarter finals to Columbia. Penis England matched the prowess of the England football team – ignominiously failing to progress further than the group stage.

The final featured Ecuador trouncing Cameroon by 17.77 to 16.67. Explaining why MaleEdge decided to answer the question that no one asked, co-founder Jes Bech Müller said: “We thought it would be interesting to see if the size beats the talent. Undoubtedly, penis sizes won’t affect the ability of the team, even though a ‘third leg’ could be a significant advantage [and] while we do not know what each player in the teams are boasting, we can take the national average from the penis size map.”

MaleEdge used the groups from the actual World Cup and paired up the matches to see who would win the trophy according to penis size. The country with the biggest average size won each match, though when the size difference was less than one centimetre the matches were counted as tied – tie breakers were settled by the concept of ‘largest wins’.

MaleEdge said: “Much like regular football, the groups can have a big impact on who will proceed. In the Male Edge version of the World Cup some groups were tied, such as group D, where Italy, Costa Rica and Uruguay all came away with 4 points. Alas, biggest penis rules and sadly Costa Rica was eliminated. Other groups had significantly dominating teams, such as the Netherlands that came away with 6 points.”

The company has created an infographic to chart the teams’ progress in the tournament:

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