Pulse stars in World Cup willy-waving stunt

Posted: June 19, 2014

After England’s football team suffered a disappointing 2-1 defeat to Italy last week, British sex toy brand Hot Octopuss has attempted to raise morale in the team by sending each player a sample of its Pulse ‘guybrator’. And despite the wall-to-wall football coverage on TV, with three matches a day being shown live since the World Cup kicked off last week, it seems British men do have other things on their mind as Hot Octopuss claims its Pulse sales have more than doubled since the first match. And following the defeat to Italy, sales quadrupled.

Adam Lewis, Hot Octopuss co-founder and designer of Pulse, commented: “We’re thrilled that the product is doing so well in the wake of the World Cup. Every red-blooded man knows what a struggle it must be for the boys without their WAGs, so we thought we’d send each of the players their own Pulse to the training camp in Brazil.”

He added: “We’ve had countless reviews from men worldwide all testifying to the Pulse’s unique ability to relieve and regenerate, so let’s hope Thursday’s game is a reflection of this.”

England play Uruguay at Arena Corinthians in Sao Paulo, Brazil, at 8:00pm GMT today. The match will be shown live on ITV, with the channel’s no-doubt usual abysmal coverage starting at 7:00pm. It is a game neither team can afford to lose – if they do, they are out of the tournament.

We at ETO wonder if England captain Steven Gerrard will pin the blame on Lewis in the post-match interviews if the worst does happen: “Errrr, the lads are obviously disappointed at the performance but Uruguay are a good side and you’ve got to take into consideration that some of our lads have been up all night wanking like safari park chimps. They were exhausted and dehydrated when they came down to breakfast this morning so the fitness team had an uphill task trying to prepare them for the match. You could say that Adam Lewis turned out to be their best player. I’m going to bloody chin the bastard when I find him.”

Pulse was launched last year and the male masturbation device sold over 10,000 units in its first six months of being on sale. It is shortlisted for Best New Male Product at this weekend’s ETO Awards Dinner.