The US presidential race has taken a new, but no less farcical, turn now that Pipedream Products has invited Donald Trump to get his cock out. The manufacturer is offering to make a mould of the Republican front-runner’s genitals to validate his claim that “there’s no problem, I guarantee you” with the size of his penis.
A scathing attack on HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (broadcast on March 29th in the UK), drew attention to, amongst other things, Trump’s diminutive hands – chiefly because the host, British satirist John Oliver, knew this bizarre accusation had previously riled Trump.
Nearly 30 years ago, Spy magazine described Trump as a “short-fingered vulgarian” and the man who coined the phrase – Graydon Carter, now the editor of Vanity Fair magazine – said last year: “Like so many bullies, Trump has skin of gossamer. To this day, I receive the occasional envelope from Trump. There is always a photo of him—generally a tear sheet from a magazine. On all of them he has circled his hand in gold Sharpie in a valiant effort to highlight the length of his fingers. I almost feel sorry for the poor fellow because, to me, the fingers still look abnormally stubby.”
Marco Rubio, one of Trump’s rivals for the Republican nomination, also climbed aboard the bandwagon, telling supporters at a rally: “Donald Trump is always calling me ‘little Marco.’ He is taller than me, he’s like 6′ 2″, which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who is 5′ 2″. Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands…”
The punchline, rather disappointingly, was “You can’t trust them” but Trump wasn’t fooled by Rubio’s subtlety. At the Republican candidates’ presidential debate in Detroit on March 3rd, Trump referred to Rubio’s comments, saying: “Look at these hands. Are these small hands? If they’re small, something else must be small… I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.”
After hearing this, Pipedream chairman and CEO Nick Orlandino said: “I never thought we’d see this kind of nonsense on a debate stage. They’re really turning politics into a joke. And now that they have, Pipedream is proud to do its part. We’re happy to have Donald ‘Chump’ come to an actual American manufacturing plant, have his penis moulded and finally put his money where his mouth is – anytime he can fit us into his busy tweeting schedule.”
Last year Pipedream produced and shipped millions of rubber dildos of varying sizes, colours, and shapes and the company has moulded a large number of celebrities and adult performers through its 40+ years in the industry. With its recent expansions, the US manufacturer is now able to do all genital moulding at any one of its four state-of-the-art facilities.
“We’re looking forward to Mr. Trump’s potential visit, but of course we have some concerns,” said MoldMaster Mike, the manufacturer’s senior moulding technician. “Assuming we are able to locate Mr. Trump’s penis, the real challenge will be for him to maintain an erection for more than a half-second. We’ll just have to see how it goes.”
Provided Trump accepts the challenge, Pipedream has said it will donate all the massive amounts of leftover rubber scrap to Melania Trump’s future cosmetic surgery stockpile.
Pipedream has a rich history of creating political novelty items and its full range, including its Horny Hillary blow-up love doll, can be seen at www.pipedreamproducts.com